Roommates

“I don't need to pay a therapist to give me crap. I have a roommate that does it for free.” -Ally McBeal

This month, I have three roommates who visited me. Three different roommates, three different room.


1. Moji, room no. 3, Graduate Hall, year 2009-2010 - She's a faculty now at a state university in Mindanao. She stayed with me this summer, she finished her Masters and now applying for a PhD in Japan. She's from my hometown also and she's the most neat roommate I was fortunate to live with. We love animes and asian series. She told me she's planning to get married next month (her boyfriend happens to be a good friend of mine). I wish her well and I pray that whatever decision she makes will make her happy in the future.


2. Ate Grace, room. 2, Graduate Hall, year 2010-2012 - She's a faculty also at a state university in Mindanao (different from Moji). We like to eat out, drink a lot and jog the day. I terribly missed her when she went to Mindanao. She said that she would always think of me everytime she tries something new in her new place. We worked in different offices but at the end of the day we would always ask each other how our day went and exchange gossips. I missed that a lot and I was sad to her go but I know that accepting  faculty position would elevate her career.


3. Ate Fair, room 7, Makati Boarding House, year 2007-2009 - She works for a Canadian NGO and I really treasure her friendship. She was one of the reason I was able to apply to graduate school, she supported my idea when I told her I wanted to go back to school. We email back and forth and we had trips together, this is her second time visiting me. We are both idealistic and wants to change the world. We are currently setting our goals and hopefully we could work together in the future.


I'm really lucky to friends with all of my roommates, at times I talk too much and share too much and drink too much but they are still there not because we share the same room but because they actually cared. I'm away from my family since I was 16 and having roommates that easy to live with, to laugh with and exchange intelligent conversations with...jackpot.


and so I will end this post with another quote from Grey's Anatomy: "Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates."

the hopeful graduate

After 2 and half years of struggling to get my graduate degree, I finally have my Master in Marine Affairs. I did not attend my undergraduate graduation six years ago so I made sure my mother and my sister will be able to see me get my degree this summer. My mother actually cried and I know how proud she is of me. At the baccalaureate, the speaker advised us graduates not to be consumed by careerism, to not become people who are so focused on their career and do not mind stepping on anybody to reach the top. He said that Alma Mater is Latin for lactating mother and that we should not waste UP's milk because we are "Iskolars ng Bayan". I like his closing sentence: "You are not defined by your transcript of records but the choices you make and the deeds you do".

I would like to thank all the people who have supported me in my studies. My family who did not question my capability to go back to school and friends who have loaned me money and laptop, understanding officemates and roommates who were my stress-relievers. Indeed, kindness can go far and I experienced that as I conducted my final research paper. I thank God for blessing me with helpful and generous people.

Now that I have my degree though, I'm still confused on which way to go. I have resigned from my position as a Museum Technician and applied as Research Assistant for a one year project. I'm crossing my fingers again, just like the last time I resigned as call center agent, I need to go out of my comfort zone and explore the world I worked hard to fit in. I'm hoping this new environment would give me the experience I need and will prepare me for my next goal, a PhD. I'm hopeful.

Maralison Island

March 10-11, 2012

Maralison Island, Culasi, Antique

As you shine above from everyone
You stand out from the crowd
Somehow I can’t find words to say
You’re indescribable

Mt. Napulak

March 3-4, 2012

Mt. Napulak, Igbaras, Iloilo

Nogas Island

February 25, 2012

Nogas Island, Anini-y, Antique

when you feel like giving up...

‎"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place"

conquering fears

"Decide that you want it more that you are afraid of it." ~Bill Cosby

Goodbye and Hello

"You work, you study, you prepare. Months and years leading to one day, the day when you step up" ~Grey's Anatomy

2011 Highlights

-attended Ati-atihan and went to Boracay the first time. It was fun, I went there with my friends.

-had my graduate degree last June (yey!)

-got to present my paper in a national conference (yey again!)

Goodbye!

2011 was a good year for me, I was blessed with a lot of opportunities and got to travel a lot with some good friends. I am thankful that I have friends who genuinely cares about me. I am thankful of my family who still staying strong in spite of everything. I am thankful for the times I laughed and had fun. I am thankful for the times I felt really sad and needed to cry. I am thankful I am single and independent and can decide for myself like adults do.

Hello!

This 2012, I do hope that life would still treat me kind. I hope I travel to a lot of places again. I am happy that I'll start the year with a travel to CDO, as I have hoped for last year. Truly, if you want something, and you'll wish hard enough for it, you'll get someday. This year will be better, I hope I'll be able to look for a job that I will well compensated and that I'll enjoy doing it and also get to travel. Or I hope I'll finally get the chance to study abroad. I'll believe in myself. I can do this :)

heartaches

I had a nice weekend getaway with C. This is actually the second time he brought me to his hometown. I was happy to be with him and I admit that I am a little infatuated with him. He's nice, he's smells good and he's very attentive. Maybe, I thought, just maybe, he is not gay after all. He had a girlfriend before and maybe he is not "confused" anymore. I asked him about it and he said that those things shouldn't be asked in the first place if it was obvious. I wanted to cry right there and there. I kept on thinking how pathetic the situation is. I'm still hurt. Why is it hard for me? Other people fall in love and loved in return without any complication. I guess it is just not for me.

Nap and get over it

There are times when you really hit rock bottom and you need friends to help you get over the loneliness you are feeling. However, one of the hardest truth you need to know is that the world will not stop just because you are crying. People move on and adults need to work. If you feel tired then rest. If you feel sad then cry. If you feel lonely then make yourself feel better. Sometimes it is better to lick your wounds with friend cheering on your back but sometimes you need to do it alone. Don't rely on other people for happiness, take charge of your life and pick yourself up.

The Ruins

The Taj Majal of the Philippines. Wealthy sugar baron Don Mariano Ledesma Lacson built the mansion in 1900′s for Maria Braga, his Portuguese wife. Love is eternal.

a friend in need is a friend indeed

I been feeling low these past few days. I'm sad because right now I'm officially all alone. My last roommate left for another job in another province. I feels like everybody is moving on while I'm still stuck here unsure of what to do next. The things I want before are not things that's in my priority list. It's funny because I used to decide what is best for me but now I have to consider a lot of things like my family. I'm torn between going back home and find a job locally or apply in universities abroad. I love my family more than anything and I'm sad that I'm not present during the important milestones in their life. I miss my mother and my sisters. But I can't let go of my dream of studying abroad. I would like to believe that I could do it given the opportunity. So I'm in this confused state and I don't have friends here with to tell it to. A beer would be good, especially if shared with a friend.

what is worse, kissing strangers or kissing friends?

What is worse, kissing strangers or kissing friends?

I have been in the two situations actually.

I'm actually a late bloomer. I had my first kiss at 24. It was not mind blowing, knees shaking thing. I actaully have to ask for it from someone who was kind enough to give it to me (another story). It was a gentle kiss, it was nice enough. It made me feel liberated. I'm not the girl who's never been kissed and giving kisses to others is not a big deal anymore since I "lost" already.

1. Kissing strangers. I met this guy and we had a few drinks. He was a few years younger than me and I do admit that I was flattered with the attention he's giving me. I went to the CR and somehow we ended up kissing. It was hot, I enjoyed a few minutes of it and I broke it off. That was the last night we went out.

2. Kissing friends. This guy has been my friend since elementary. We attended our high school friend's wedding, had a few moments alone and I kissed him, I think he kissed me back also. I don't really like him that much but somehow kssing him was good idea at that time. Of course I was embarassed the next day, it was awkward. I hope we can it out someday and be friends again.

I only kissed three guys. I'm hoping I'll experience kissing someone I love and experience that happy feeling afterwards just like in the movies.

saying goodbye

I always have a problem in saying goodbye, I can't go though it without crying. Graduation is already here and I'm sad to say here that I did not graduate (for a lot of reasons but mainly because I am too lazy to do my paper). I do have friends who graduated, their effort paid off. I am very happy for them, they look really good wearing barong, white blouse, and the ultimate accessory--sablay.

I wish them well. May the Lord bless them in their future endeavors and i hope that all the things they learned in the university will be applied and have an impact in our country.

Mabuhay ang Iskolar ng Bayan!

hello 2011

This is my first post for this year and I really don't know what to write here yet. So much has happened since my last post. 2010 ended and 2011 started. Let me just say that my 2010 was very much productive. I got another contract so i still have a job that I like and a boss who is very kind. I'm thankful that nothing bad happened to my family.

I got to travel to a lot of places and spent quality time with friends who really matter. April 2010, went to Sagada. July 2010, went to Maralison Island, Antique. Then went to Concepcion and Ajuy, visited and dove in Nogas Island, Antique. August 2010, climbed Negros highest peak, Mt. Kanlaon. I had a wonderful Christmas and New Year with my family and friends.

2011 started in Boracay. I love Ati-atihan, hopefully i'll be back again in 2012. I went back there again with Ate Fair last March. I appreciated the place even more, it's like you can be this young, sexy thing and don't care about the world but is just enjoying cold beer near the ocean. I will surely be back.

My goal for 2011 is to travel to Davao or Ilocos and hopefully use my passport for the first time.

Bothered

I'm actually bothered these past few days.

1. There is a boy. Yes, finally a boy in my life. "Boy" perfectly describes him since he is 5 years my junior. It started with exchanging of numbers. Few text messages and ended kissing in the comfort room. How the hell it happened. I don't know. I was too drunk to remember how and why and cannot even decide if I enjoyed the kiss of not. Lesson: Stop drinking if you cannot stand anymore. Drink with a trusted friend. Men cannot be trusted in general. I did enjoy spending time with "boy" but i need to let him go eventually. He is obviously looking for a good time and I'm not a good time girl especially when I'm sober.

2. L. Are you mad at me?? I hope not, it may look like i don't care but i do. I treasure our friendship. I hope we can iron this out. I'd be sad if our friendship ends.

3. My proposal. I'll be presenting at the end of the month. I'm too lazy to start it. I'm really sad here. I want to go home, be with my family and friends but I need to stay here to get my graduate degree.

4. The future. What do I really want? I don't know what I want. F*ck.

Mount Kanlaon, Negros

When you're up high, all the stuff that looks confusing... becomes crystal clear. ~Senna, Memories of a Nobody (Bleach Movie)

ate love

our friendship began when i was in second year high school and she just graduated college, literally. i accompanied her to get her graduation picture and we had been inseparable since. we were both volunteers in red cross and i was amazed by her energy and intelligence. i was the tag-along girl and adoring little sister who would always follow her in trainings, outreach, and food trip. she a regular blood donor and i cannot wait for the day that i would become one too. in 2002, as i was entering college she was diagnosed with cancer. she had chemotherapy and stayed in PGH for over a year until she decided to go home and wait for her remaining days. her remaining days, as it turned out, became years. the small lump that was seen on her vaginal canal became a massive lump that made her look pregnant. she was constantly bleeding and would need blood transfusion once a month. she was in great pain. i cannot understand how a once full of energy girl, who would cook carbonara for us, who would teach me about bandaging, and would go camping with me every holy week, would become a bed-ridden patient. she died last year, she was 30. she suffered for seven years and was in pain for the last two years. i cried. i cried. and i cried. i was not able to go to her funeral, i was not able to be with her even for the last time. it felt like there was a big whole in my chest that nothing could fill in. how can you continue living when someone is missing from your life? knowing that everywhere i go, every food i eat, and every time i fall, i would always think of her and wish she was with me through it all. it made me feel that i cannot waste my life anymore, cannot go on making bad decisions, cannot just drink and smoke and that i have to live my life fully and beautifully. because i get to live. i live.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'll give the whole world to see your face
And I'm bragging right next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye
--bye bye by mariah carey

episode III

you: i'm sorry but I think i'm going to hurt
you.
me: what is it?
you: i'm sorry, it just happened.
me: what?
you: i--
me: (it finally hit me) kayo na ba?
you: hindi pa, pero parang ganun na rin yun..
me: (cries)
you: (tried to hold me)
me: (shove you away)
you: (look at me helplessly)

XXX

she was my dear friend, almost like a sister. you loved
her for three years now. me, just a stupid girl who
fell for you in the same instant you were falling for
her. i was so stupid that i even confessed it to you
last christmas. you were pretty sport about it and my
confession didn't change anything about us..at least
for a while. and i thought that maybe, just maybe, we
could be have something that is beyond friendship. how
did i ever let myself believe you'd eventually fall
for me when i know for a fact that even if there are
billions of people on this planet you only have eyes for one
and you wouldn't want anybody else.

the night we had that conversation made me realize
that i'm in a hopeless situation,we are in a hopeless
situation. i ended up crying the whole night. we
promised to remain friends even after everything. who
are we kidding, in fact, who am i kidding? i know i can
never look at you again without a pang of sadness. i
know i am a person of my own worth but it wouldn't
change the fact that you didn't love me back.

i cried like hell for it but it wasn't enough to reach
you. i drown myself in cigarettes and bottles of beer
but it wasn't enough to kill me. i'm alive but inside
there is a certain void that nothing could fill in.
how did life go on? i don't have any idea. four months
has gone by and i'm still stranded.

XXX

you: how was your vacation?
me: okay,we traveled a lot.
you: you tanned nicely.
me: courtesy of palawan, we did a sampling there.
you: look, if--
me: i have to go, i'll be late for my class.
you: uh, okay. see you around.
me: yeah.
you: (turned around and left)
me: (remained standing and watched as you walk away)

valentine's day 2010

like all valentine's day, i spent it like the i have always been spending it for the past twenty four years and that is being single but not alone.

friday night: i went to the city to meet my former housemates. being people from boracay, my housemates are really good in making pulutan and mixing drinks. after four bottles of 'the bar' apple vodka, we are ready to hit the bed. the morning after is always the hard part, vodka is really not friendly to my stomach, not even my favorite honey crunch bar can cure my hangover.

saturday night: i have a whole day class. out semester is almost over, so many papers need to be submitted, so many presentations, so so little time. so instead of going back to the dormitory and start working on my papers, i did what any normal student would do. go to your friend's house, get drunk and forget everything. there was a little problem though, i got really really drunk i cannot even believe i did it. i drank the 700ml gran matador alone. yes, ALONE. i don't even have pulutan to go it with, i only have glass and unlimited ice cubes. and before i knew, and before my friends noticed it, i finished the whole damn bottle that was a free gift from their office last new year. i can't remember what happened next, i woke up dressed in another t-shirt. i have to commend the brandy though, i didn't have a hangover. or mayber it was because i threw up three times before i finally went to bed.

sunday night: valentine's day, the day for lovers but for single girls like me. we went to the mall to watch, guess what, 'valentine's day'. it was okay although i was really expecting more. i guess i'm still a sucker for 'love actually'. there was a scene where jessica biel was lying on the floor, high on chocolates. my friends kept laughing because the scene was familiar the night before. but it was me who was lying on the floor, high on brandy. the day was concluded in a seafood restaurant, eating sisig and bangus, listening to good music and having just one bottle of san mig light. yes, this time it was only a single bottle.

like what i said, i am single but i did not celebrate valentine's day alone.

kampai!