ate love

our friendship began when i was in second year high school and she just graduated college, literally. i accompanied her to get her graduation picture and we had been inseparable since. we were both volunteers in red cross and i was amazed by her energy and intelligence. i was the tag-along girl and adoring little sister who would always follow her in trainings, outreach, and food trip. she a regular blood donor and i cannot wait for the day that i would become one too. in 2002, as i was entering college she was diagnosed with cancer. she had chemotherapy and stayed in PGH for over a year until she decided to go home and wait for her remaining days. her remaining days, as it turned out, became years. the small lump that was seen on her vaginal canal became a massive lump that made her look pregnant. she was constantly bleeding and would need blood transfusion once a month. she was in great pain. i cannot understand how a once full of energy girl, who would cook carbonara for us, who would teach me about bandaging, and would go camping with me every holy week, would become a bed-ridden patient. she died last year, she was 30. she suffered for seven years and was in pain for the last two years. i cried. i cried. and i cried. i was not able to go to her funeral, i was not able to be with her even for the last time. it felt like there was a big whole in my chest that nothing could fill in. how can you continue living when someone is missing from your life? knowing that everywhere i go, every food i eat, and every time i fall, i would always think of her and wish she was with me through it all. it made me feel that i cannot waste my life anymore, cannot go on making bad decisions, cannot just drink and smoke and that i have to live my life fully and beautifully. because i get to live. i live.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'll give the whole world to see your face
And I'm bragging right next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye
--bye bye by mariah carey