the things i love..

1. my portable player
--i bought it as soon as i got my 13th month pay. i'm dying to buy it for months nowand when i finally got the money, i bought one before i could change my mind. it takes me to places i've never been. right now i love the movie 'definitely, maybe' and i'm watching the anime 'yamato nadeshiko'.

2. twilight book series
--i was one of the millions who got DAZZLED. i think that the love between bella and edward exists. once i loved like bella. giving everything, all out. that was a long time ago. i like edward's character. i like him better in the book than in the movie. but someone like him is really hard to find to find (if not impossible) here on earth. but i found a new love in jacob black's character. when i was scattered to pieces like bella, no jacob came to stitch me whole. i was strong enough to bear the pain and heal myself but still..a little help from someone like jacob could have gone a long way. the ending of the third book (eclipse) crushed me. i cried in the CR. it was unbearable. bella loved edward and jacob, but she chose someone she could not live without and that is edward.
bella: love you, jacob.
jacob: love you more.
i feel like crying again.

3. my newly bought engagement ring
--it is only 190php, i bought from my friend jai. i don't know why but i always wanted to have a ring that looks like an engagement ring. i like it on my finger, shiny and new. it gives me hope that maybe someday , someone would give the real thing to me. i always tell everyone that i don't want to get married. it is true, and i still feel scared of the thought of committing yourself to
one person alone. i do want to have a baby, though, i WANT a baby bad. but i don't think i'm gonna get it free, i think i will get it but i have to get married first because it would not be fair to derive him/her a father. a chance for a real family. the ring i bought will be my chastity ring, a reminder that i won't give myself cheaply. that i am a woman of worth.

episode II

the night she realized her feelings towards matt was night she crumbled. all her sensibilities flew out of the window, out of her soul. she went to bed with a headache. trying to deny it. hoping tomorrow everything will change. she entered her room smelling like beer. her roommate was awoken by her movements and asked her if she was okay. she replied yes. never been this great, she added silently.

she cannot sleep. damn those beers. damn those ciggies. damn me. she turned at the side of her bed and talked to her roommate. if she cannot sleep, nobody will. she asked her roommate about love. right now the girl was contently happy dating someone.

"why the sudden questions?"

"nothing."

"are you with matt?"

"yep."

"then you should tell him how you feel. let’s sleep, we have a quiz tomorrow."

"fuck!"

was i that obvious?? , she thought.

episode I

she was just an ordinary girl. she was nineteen. studying in a good university. have friends . she had a crush or two but nothing serious. she views relationship as a deep pit wherein you are not sure if you’ll get out alive and still in one piece. no, she was not cynical about love. she is just simply a realist. but her world began to crumble when she realized one day that for the first time she was hopelessly and totally in love.

matthew. he was a friend. a good friend in fact. they shared a lot together. from cases of beer to her very first cigarette. music to movies. and secretly they share the passion for the movie "my sassy girl" . they click together. somewhat a soulmate if you’ll put it in a cheesy way.

she cried when she realized the extent of her emotions towards him. she didn’t expect it. she doesnt need this kind of distraction. she was always a practical person. able to control her emotions. but that night she suddenly turned into a maudlin after two bottles of red horse.

23

this is a special day, 23 years ago a baby girl was born..ME! no special celebration, no people to hang out with, just like 2 years ago im going to celebrate it alone. i'm away with my family, and since pay day is next week might as well treat myself online. i'm going to check friendster, some friends remember some don't, that's ok. i don't know what i really feel today, truth is i feel empty. i'm 23 years old, i feel old and young at the same time. i'm just happy that God gave me another year to achieve my dreams, meet new friends, travel to different places and most of all, just LIVE.

God, thank you very much for this day. may i prove myself worthy of another year.

conquering mountains

i started a hobby just a month ago, i joined our outdoor club. the first activity is mountain climbing, we are having our minor climbs and the ultimate goal would Apo. the first mountain i climbed, Pico de Loro, Cavite. it was hard for a newbie like me, i consider myself fit but not fit and strong as the others who were already climbing mountains way way back. my account manager asked me if i can do it, i said yes, i'll see you at the top. at that moment, it was all talk, im thinking really hard if i indeed could do it. im too proud to back down now and so my journey began. i was wet with sweat and rain, my feet are cold and my back is aching. i can feel the heat coming out of my body and my troat is as dry as Sahara. i don't wanna back down, i'm a mermaid who is trying to conquer mountains. walk and crawl, never thought the day would come that i will do both but i did.

the summit view was worth it..and more. i was on top of a mountain, what more can be exciting than standing on top of a mountain. im humbled by the thought that im a small creature on top of a gigantic object. there i was, admiring God's perfect work. a book i read said that the men like to be on top of mountains. it gives a sense of power, the knowledge that you above everyone and everything else. i felt humbled and proud.

the people that im with, it was our first time be together. different background, age, sex. and yet we are united with one single goal, to climb a mountain. climb mountains for a lot of reasons, to forget, to remember, to live, to be happy.. but most of all to learn. learn our inner strenght, be solid as rock, be tall as a mountain.

kiss

"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything."

-Dr. Alex Karev, Grey's Anatomy

stuck

yeah.. 3..4 years is a lot of time to move on and forget you. everything was clear from the start. just like an old Jets song, "i loved you, you didn't feel the same.."

if you'll just realize..

Take time to realize

That I am on your side

Didn't I, didn't I tell you

Take time to realize

That your warmth is

Crashing down on in

But I can't spell it out for you

No it's never gonna be that simple

No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize

What I just realized

Then we'd be perfect for each other

And we'll never find another

Just realizeWhat I just realized

We'd never have to wonder

If we missed out on each other, now

Take time to realizeOh oh,

I'm on your side

Didn't I, didn't I tell you

Take time to realize

This all could pass you by

Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you

No it's never gonna be that simple

No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize

What I just realized

Then we'd be perfect for each other

And we'll never find another

Just realizeWhat I just realized

We'd never have to wonder

If we missed out on each other, but

It's not the same

No it's never the same

If you don't feel it too

If you meet me half way

If you would meet me half way

It could be the same for you

If you just realize

What I just realized

Then we'd be perfect for each other

And we'll never find another

Just realize

What I just realized

We'd never have to wonder

Just realize

What I just realized

If you just realize

What I just realized

Oh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Missed out on each other now

Missed out on each other now-ow-ow-ow

Realize, realize, realize, realize, realizeOhhh oh

serenity prayer

lord,
grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change,
the courage to change the things i can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
amen.

makati med experience

i've been sick again.. but this time it has something to do with my reproductive system.. di ko na sasabihin specifically kung ano but it was really painful to the body and the wallet.. i went to makati med in the middle of the night and was the only single, cute girl, not to mention virgin, sa OB ward.. the nurse is paging like "mr , to the counter please".. i was like "why is she calling my dad??" my roommate was crying and the same nurse asked why, my poor roommate said it was her third miscarriage to which she replied "ok lang yan , ma'am, just pray for a miracle and it will happen". the poor lady sobbed even more.

kakaloka yun, i dont wanna go back there again.

gray's anatomy

1. "At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." --meredith grey

2. "I'm out of my element here. I break bones for a living, I used to live in the basement, most days I wear last night's eyeliner to work, and I don't give a crap about what other people think of me. Because I'm a happily independent and successful woman and I like it that way, only when you say stuff like this, it just makes things too hard. So please, don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me." --callie torres

3. “Being aware of your crap and actually overcoming your crap are two very different things.” --cristina yang

4. "No, see, I think it means you don't forgive me. And you don't know how to talk to me right now, and i mean look! You don't... you can't even look at me. You're so angry that i think the only way you can deal with me is to say you forgive me and what... we pretend it didn't happen? It happened, and you don't forgive me." --george o'malley

5. "You know I grew up in a bar? Literally, in a bar. My dad was always doing one of two things in there. Playing music or drinking. Dude never even took me to the park. I just figured this was my chance to get out with the guys, but the one time I try-" -- alex karev

6. "No, I need a reason to stay here. I need a reason to get up every morning. I need to get up and not care if it's raining or that I'm 39 and alone." --addison montgomery

7. "Cristina, I could promise to hold you, and to cherish you. I could promise to be there, in sickness and in health. I could say till death do us part. But I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope. I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am not hopeful. I am sure. I am steady. I'm a heart man. Take 'em apart, put 'em back together, hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this, I am sure. You are my partner. My lover. My very best friend. My heart. My heart beats for you. And on this day, the day of our wedding, I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands, I promise you... me." --preston burke

kudos

i got sick, im always sick these days.. i guess it's because of my work schedule. my biogical clock is disturbed plus the fact that i don't eat on time.

anyway, i would like to commend some products that are really effective. i was just so happy to prove that these products are really worth buying.

1. skyflakes-yes the old and trusted skyflakes. simple pero rock. if you have a stomachache and your tummy can't have solid foods just eat this cracker first and the pain will go away in no time. the rumbling feeling will slowy fade away..

2. neozep-no matter how corny the advertisement for this drug i have to say that it is effective especially for colds that's making your head crack. eat first, then take this medicine and sleep. you will wake up happy after.

3. bactidol-perfect for sorethroat. i woke up at 3am because my throat is killing me. good thing i bought bactidol earlier. only one gargle and i felt better. after gargling twice a day for two days, i bade farewell to sorethroat.

ps: health is wealth :)

AKING HILING

AKING HILING Junby Gatmaitan/3rd Avenue

Bawat araw naghihintay
Kailan ka nga ba darating?
Paulit-ulit na tanong sa sarili
Bawat minuto’y kay tagal
Patuloy akong nadidiin
Umiiksi ang oras, di maibabalik

REFRAIN:
Kay tagal na naghintay, ngayo’y wala pa rin
Pag-ibig lang naman ang tangi kong hiling
Kay tagal na naghintay, ngayo’y wala pa rin
Pag-ibig lang naman aking hiling Hanggang ngayo’y umaasa
Hanggang ngayo’y nananabik
Na kahit ‘sang saglit ako ay mapansin
Bawat minuto’y kay tagal
Patuloy akong nadidiin
Umiiksi ang oras, di maibabalik

(Refrain)

Bridge:
Ano pa ba ang dapat kong gawin?
Sana’y kahit minsan mapansin mo rin
Hanggang kailan ako magtitiis?
Kailan ka nga ba darating?
Pag-ibig lang lang naman aking hiling

"it is not you, it is me"

i went to SM north edsa yesterday, i went there with a friend who was my classmate in elementary. we never had any communication after highschool and we just learned that we are working in a same company. talk about the world being small. anyway, we had lunch at shakey's and had coffee while burning our lungs out. so many things happened, her fiancee broke up with her, tsk tsk..not the first person that week who broke up with their other half.. and valentine's day is on the way.

im single, and perpetually so. im one of the many(or few?) who are famously tagged as NBSB or no bf since birth. not that my heart bleeds everytime someone points that out. im happy being single but i would like to clear out that im not lesbo(i don't have anything against them), heath ledger's passing made my decision to never marry at all.

my friend was pouring her heart out, asking why men need their space and why do they always have the same lame excuse "it is not you, it is me" . why indeed. it made me remember the time i was crazy in love with somebody..a long long time ago.

it started in my junior year in college, i was 19, too old for a first love. needless to say, it was first and it hit me bigtime. i never thought you could love someone that great, even to a point of losing yourself. i was crazy, so crazy in fact that i just blurted it out to the guy because it is overwhelming. the guy thanked me for loving him, he never said that the feeling was mutual, never said anything to encourage me.and at time time, thank you was enough. we became even closer after that, damn i loved him well.

but it wasn't enough because he fell for someone. he was man enough to tell it to me personally and even said sorry while holding me tight. it hurt like hell. it hurt for days, the days became months, the months became years.. and the years continued until today. i guess all the ciggies and bottles of beer wasn't enough to erase the pain of rejection. he also said the same lines.."not you, it's me.." but his line wasn't finished yet, the next line was "im sorry i can't give you the love you need.."

"what did you do?" my friend asked. "i cried and cried until there was no tears left to cry. then moved on with my life." cliche as it may sound, it was my answer..

BEING TWENTY - SOMETHING

BEING TWENTY - SOMETHING--as forwarded to isdangpeyups.com

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and areconstantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyonedecent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe youlove someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. Send this to your twenty-something friends...maybe it will help someone feel like they aren't alone in their state of confusion...
.....admit it! you're in this stage of your life too!One day Love and Friendship met. Love asked

Friendship: "Why do you exist if I already exist"? Friendship replied: "To put a smile where you leave tears."

But Love snarled back: "Then why, in the first place, did you ask me to take over you"??

big girls don't cry

i now have a new work, i live in a boarding house and i'm far from my family. it is hard to live alone and take care of yourself. i always thought i'm more than capable of taking care of myself, after all i'm a big girl now..and like fergie says, big girls don't cry. after doing the things you need to do, after a big busy day, you eat your dinner fresh from the microwave while watching tv..at the end of the day, who you'll be with. i love being alone , i always loved my independence, there just these bouts of loneliness when you realized that you can make others stop crying but when you cry, who is there to take the tears away.

tah tah!

i dont know what to write here but i wanna keep my promise of updating this blog at least once a week. this week had been a very busy week. work demands a lot of attention, officemates that you have to tolerate. it makes me wonder how supposed to be adults behave like first grade students. anyway, i'm just so okay today that i don't know what to say..

uh, yeah, i watched "my bestfriend's wedding" yesterday for the nth time and it still made me cry. why didn't they end up together?? hmmm.. i love the soundtract and the part where jules and michael are dancing on the boat.. loving someone who doesn't love you back is painful..

anyway, im gonna end my blog here.. tah tah!

“If you think back and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears either of joy or sadness, consider it wasted.” -- ally mcbeal

i'm so looking forward to 2008. i have a new job, new roommates, new officemates. i am just so grateful for each day that was given to me, to see the sun, breath the air, hang-out with my friends, and eat siomai.

but, of course, i have to talk about the highlights of my 2007.

there are a lot of things that happened to me last year. christmas and new year of 2007 i went home to palawan after 4 years of studying and 6 months of working in iloilo. i have to let go of the "me" in iloilo and face the "me" in palawan. so many things changed. friends got pregnant, got married, separated. some aquintances and close friends got sick and died. new places to visit.. it was as if i'm chasing my old life back but of course that is not the case because that old life is not mine anymore. it was me but not me at all.

job hunting was my main priority. after months of endless search i finally got accepted to work as a research assistant in a remote island. it was a job that i badly needed. i wanted to get away from our home, i was away too long that i don't know how to connect with my family and old friends anymore. i think it was God's will. the island has no electricity, cell signal, and even tricycle. i go to sleep at 7pm and wake up at 6am. at the end of the day i have nothing left to do but sit under the cashew tree and drink coffee. in a situation like that you can't help but think of how you lived your life. the job has to end though, but i will carry memories of the people who touched my soul and me appreciate life better.

i moved to manila after that. worked for another company but have to resign after two months. i don't like people who are exploiting other people. i learned that it is really true that rich people exploit poor people just like in movies and what you see in the news. my innocence was shattered and i have to resign before i drowned in that filthy water. no wonder the rich gets richer and the poor gets poorer.

anyway, the new change of environment will do me good. i know that i will be challenged everyday but i need that rush to make me feel alive again. i know that so many things will happen, i will welcome everything.. bad or good, i will just move on, will be firm, will be positive :)