what is worse, kissing strangers or kissing friends?

What is worse, kissing strangers or kissing friends?

I have been in the two situations actually.

I'm actually a late bloomer. I had my first kiss at 24. It was not mind blowing, knees shaking thing. I actaully have to ask for it from someone who was kind enough to give it to me (another story). It was a gentle kiss, it was nice enough. It made me feel liberated. I'm not the girl who's never been kissed and giving kisses to others is not a big deal anymore since I "lost" already.

1. Kissing strangers. I met this guy and we had a few drinks. He was a few years younger than me and I do admit that I was flattered with the attention he's giving me. I went to the CR and somehow we ended up kissing. It was hot, I enjoyed a few minutes of it and I broke it off. That was the last night we went out.

2. Kissing friends. This guy has been my friend since elementary. We attended our high school friend's wedding, had a few moments alone and I kissed him, I think he kissed me back also. I don't really like him that much but somehow kssing him was good idea at that time. Of course I was embarassed the next day, it was awkward. I hope we can it out someday and be friends again.

I only kissed three guys. I'm hoping I'll experience kissing someone I love and experience that happy feeling afterwards just like in the movies.

saying goodbye

I always have a problem in saying goodbye, I can't go though it without crying. Graduation is already here and I'm sad to say here that I did not graduate (for a lot of reasons but mainly because I am too lazy to do my paper). I do have friends who graduated, their effort paid off. I am very happy for them, they look really good wearing barong, white blouse, and the ultimate accessory--sablay.

I wish them well. May the Lord bless them in their future endeavors and i hope that all the things they learned in the university will be applied and have an impact in our country.

Mabuhay ang Iskolar ng Bayan!

hello 2011

This is my first post for this year and I really don't know what to write here yet. So much has happened since my last post. 2010 ended and 2011 started. Let me just say that my 2010 was very much productive. I got another contract so i still have a job that I like and a boss who is very kind. I'm thankful that nothing bad happened to my family.

I got to travel to a lot of places and spent quality time with friends who really matter. April 2010, went to Sagada. July 2010, went to Maralison Island, Antique. Then went to Concepcion and Ajuy, visited and dove in Nogas Island, Antique. August 2010, climbed Negros highest peak, Mt. Kanlaon. I had a wonderful Christmas and New Year with my family and friends.

2011 started in Boracay. I love Ati-atihan, hopefully i'll be back again in 2012. I went back there again with Ate Fair last March. I appreciated the place even more, it's like you can be this young, sexy thing and don't care about the world but is just enjoying cold beer near the ocean. I will surely be back.

My goal for 2011 is to travel to Davao or Ilocos and hopefully use my passport for the first time.

Bothered

I'm actually bothered these past few days.

1. There is a boy. Yes, finally a boy in my life. "Boy" perfectly describes him since he is 5 years my junior. It started with exchanging of numbers. Few text messages and ended kissing in the comfort room. How the hell it happened. I don't know. I was too drunk to remember how and why and cannot even decide if I enjoyed the kiss of not. Lesson: Stop drinking if you cannot stand anymore. Drink with a trusted friend. Men cannot be trusted in general. I did enjoy spending time with "boy" but i need to let him go eventually. He is obviously looking for a good time and I'm not a good time girl especially when I'm sober.

2. L. Are you mad at me?? I hope not, it may look like i don't care but i do. I treasure our friendship. I hope we can iron this out. I'd be sad if our friendship ends.

3. My proposal. I'll be presenting at the end of the month. I'm too lazy to start it. I'm really sad here. I want to go home, be with my family and friends but I need to stay here to get my graduate degree.

4. The future. What do I really want? I don't know what I want. F*ck.

Mount Kanlaon, Negros

When you're up high, all the stuff that looks confusing... becomes crystal clear. ~Senna, Memories of a Nobody (Bleach Movie)

ate love

our friendship began when i was in second year high school and she just graduated college, literally. i accompanied her to get her graduation picture and we had been inseparable since. we were both volunteers in red cross and i was amazed by her energy and intelligence. i was the tag-along girl and adoring little sister who would always follow her in trainings, outreach, and food trip. she a regular blood donor and i cannot wait for the day that i would become one too. in 2002, as i was entering college she was diagnosed with cancer. she had chemotherapy and stayed in PGH for over a year until she decided to go home and wait for her remaining days. her remaining days, as it turned out, became years. the small lump that was seen on her vaginal canal became a massive lump that made her look pregnant. she was constantly bleeding and would need blood transfusion once a month. she was in great pain. i cannot understand how a once full of energy girl, who would cook carbonara for us, who would teach me about bandaging, and would go camping with me every holy week, would become a bed-ridden patient. she died last year, she was 30. she suffered for seven years and was in pain for the last two years. i cried. i cried. and i cried. i was not able to go to her funeral, i was not able to be with her even for the last time. it felt like there was a big whole in my chest that nothing could fill in. how can you continue living when someone is missing from your life? knowing that everywhere i go, every food i eat, and every time i fall, i would always think of her and wish she was with me through it all. it made me feel that i cannot waste my life anymore, cannot go on making bad decisions, cannot just drink and smoke and that i have to live my life fully and beautifully. because i get to live. i live.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'll give the whole world to see your face
And I'm bragging right next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye
--bye bye by mariah carey

episode III

you: i'm sorry but I think i'm going to hurt
you.
me: what is it?
you: i'm sorry, it just happened.
me: what?
you: i--
me: (it finally hit me) kayo na ba?
you: hindi pa, pero parang ganun na rin yun..
me: (cries)
you: (tried to hold me)
me: (shove you away)
you: (look at me helplessly)

XXX

she was my dear friend, almost like a sister. you loved
her for three years now. me, just a stupid girl who
fell for you in the same instant you were falling for
her. i was so stupid that i even confessed it to you
last christmas. you were pretty sport about it and my
confession didn't change anything about us..at least
for a while. and i thought that maybe, just maybe, we
could be have something that is beyond friendship. how
did i ever let myself believe you'd eventually fall
for me when i know for a fact that even if there are
billions of people on this planet you only have eyes for one
and you wouldn't want anybody else.

the night we had that conversation made me realize
that i'm in a hopeless situation,we are in a hopeless
situation. i ended up crying the whole night. we
promised to remain friends even after everything. who
are we kidding, in fact, who am i kidding? i know i can
never look at you again without a pang of sadness. i
know i am a person of my own worth but it wouldn't
change the fact that you didn't love me back.

i cried like hell for it but it wasn't enough to reach
you. i drown myself in cigarettes and bottles of beer
but it wasn't enough to kill me. i'm alive but inside
there is a certain void that nothing could fill in.
how did life go on? i don't have any idea. four months
has gone by and i'm still stranded.

XXX

you: how was your vacation?
me: okay,we traveled a lot.
you: you tanned nicely.
me: courtesy of palawan, we did a sampling there.
you: look, if--
me: i have to go, i'll be late for my class.
you: uh, okay. see you around.
me: yeah.
you: (turned around and left)
me: (remained standing and watched as you walk away)