Bothered

I'm actually bothered these past few days.

1. There is a boy. Yes, finally a boy in my life. "Boy" perfectly describes him since he is 5 years my junior. It started with exchanging of numbers. Few text messages and ended kissing in the comfort room. How the hell it happened. I don't know. I was too drunk to remember how and why and cannot even decide if I enjoyed the kiss of not. Lesson: Stop drinking if you cannot stand anymore. Drink with a trusted friend. Men cannot be trusted in general. I did enjoy spending time with "boy" but i need to let him go eventually. He is obviously looking for a good time and I'm not a good time girl especially when I'm sober.

2. L. Are you mad at me?? I hope not, it may look like i don't care but i do. I treasure our friendship. I hope we can iron this out. I'd be sad if our friendship ends.

3. My proposal. I'll be presenting at the end of the month. I'm too lazy to start it. I'm really sad here. I want to go home, be with my family and friends but I need to stay here to get my graduate degree.

4. The future. What do I really want? I don't know what I want. F*ck.

Mount Kanlaon, Negros

When you're up high, all the stuff that looks confusing... becomes crystal clear. ~Senna, Memories of a Nobody (Bleach Movie)

ate love

our friendship began when i was in second year high school and she just graduated college, literally. i accompanied her to get her graduation picture and we had been inseparable since. we were both volunteers in red cross and i was amazed by her energy and intelligence. i was the tag-along girl and adoring little sister who would always follow her in trainings, outreach, and food trip. she a regular blood donor and i cannot wait for the day that i would become one too. in 2002, as i was entering college she was diagnosed with cancer. she had chemotherapy and stayed in PGH for over a year until she decided to go home and wait for her remaining days. her remaining days, as it turned out, became years. the small lump that was seen on her vaginal canal became a massive lump that made her look pregnant. she was constantly bleeding and would need blood transfusion once a month. she was in great pain. i cannot understand how a once full of energy girl, who would cook carbonara for us, who would teach me about bandaging, and would go camping with me every holy week, would become a bed-ridden patient. she died last year, she was 30. she suffered for seven years and was in pain for the last two years. i cried. i cried. and i cried. i was not able to go to her funeral, i was not able to be with her even for the last time. it felt like there was a big whole in my chest that nothing could fill in. how can you continue living when someone is missing from your life? knowing that everywhere i go, every food i eat, and every time i fall, i would always think of her and wish she was with me through it all. it made me feel that i cannot waste my life anymore, cannot go on making bad decisions, cannot just drink and smoke and that i have to live my life fully and beautifully. because i get to live. i live.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
I wish I could find a way try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'll give the whole world to see your face
And I'm bragging right next to you
It feels like you gone too soon
The hardest thing to do is say bye bye
--bye bye by mariah carey

episode III

you: i'm sorry but I think i'm going to hurt
you.
me: what is it?
you: i'm sorry, it just happened.
me: what?
you: i--
me: (it finally hit me) kayo na ba?
you: hindi pa, pero parang ganun na rin yun..
me: (cries)
you: (tried to hold me)
me: (shove you away)
you: (look at me helplessly)

XXX

she was my dear friend, almost like a sister. you loved
her for three years now. me, just a stupid girl who
fell for you in the same instant you were falling for
her. i was so stupid that i even confessed it to you
last christmas. you were pretty sport about it and my
confession didn't change anything about us..at least
for a while. and i thought that maybe, just maybe, we
could be have something that is beyond friendship. how
did i ever let myself believe you'd eventually fall
for me when i know for a fact that even if there are
billions of people on this planet you only have eyes for one
and you wouldn't want anybody else.

the night we had that conversation made me realize
that i'm in a hopeless situation,we are in a hopeless
situation. i ended up crying the whole night. we
promised to remain friends even after everything. who
are we kidding, in fact, who am i kidding? i know i can
never look at you again without a pang of sadness. i
know i am a person of my own worth but it wouldn't
change the fact that you didn't love me back.

i cried like hell for it but it wasn't enough to reach
you. i drown myself in cigarettes and bottles of beer
but it wasn't enough to kill me. i'm alive but inside
there is a certain void that nothing could fill in.
how did life go on? i don't have any idea. four months
has gone by and i'm still stranded.

XXX

you: how was your vacation?
me: okay,we traveled a lot.
you: you tanned nicely.
me: courtesy of palawan, we did a sampling there.
you: look, if--
me: i have to go, i'll be late for my class.
you: uh, okay. see you around.
me: yeah.
you: (turned around and left)
me: (remained standing and watched as you walk away)

valentine's day 2010

like all valentine's day, i spent it like the i have always been spending it for the past twenty four years and that is being single but not alone.

friday night: i went to the city to meet my former housemates. being people from boracay, my housemates are really good in making pulutan and mixing drinks. after four bottles of 'the bar' apple vodka, we are ready to hit the bed. the morning after is always the hard part, vodka is really not friendly to my stomach, not even my favorite honey crunch bar can cure my hangover.

saturday night: i have a whole day class. out semester is almost over, so many papers need to be submitted, so many presentations, so so little time. so instead of going back to the dormitory and start working on my papers, i did what any normal student would do. go to your friend's house, get drunk and forget everything. there was a little problem though, i got really really drunk i cannot even believe i did it. i drank the 700ml gran matador alone. yes, ALONE. i don't even have pulutan to go it with, i only have glass and unlimited ice cubes. and before i knew, and before my friends noticed it, i finished the whole damn bottle that was a free gift from their office last new year. i can't remember what happened next, i woke up dressed in another t-shirt. i have to commend the brandy though, i didn't have a hangover. or mayber it was because i threw up three times before i finally went to bed.

sunday night: valentine's day, the day for lovers but for single girls like me. we went to the mall to watch, guess what, 'valentine's day'. it was okay although i was really expecting more. i guess i'm still a sucker for 'love actually'. there was a scene where jessica biel was lying on the floor, high on chocolates. my friends kept laughing because the scene was familiar the night before. but it was me who was lying on the floor, high on brandy. the day was concluded in a seafood restaurant, eating sisig and bangus, listening to good music and having just one bottle of san mig light. yes, this time it was only a single bottle.

like what i said, i am single but i did not celebrate valentine's day alone.

kampai!

concepcion, barotac nuevo, and ajuy trip!

Last January 30-31, our graduate class in Community-Based Coastal Resource Management, including some Community Development undergraduate students, had a field trip in coastal municipalities in iloilo. We rented a coaster and off we go!

First stop: Concepcion
We visited Baranggay Nipa where a marine protected area was established years ago. We listened to the baranggay officials as they narrate their story. The conservation efforts was generally successful because it increased the fisherfolk's catch ever since the MPA was established. The baranggay also have a program on family planning. More population will mean more mouths to feed, more mouths to feed will mean added pressure on the resources, this will lead to fisherfolks resulting to illegal means of fishing. We also visited Baranggay Polopiña. The baranggay still has good coral areas, however, some fisherfolks are already negative to the idea of setting up a marine protected area in their baranggay because the illegal fishers in their municipal waters are their local politicians also. Concepcion has a lot to offer to tourists, it is very accessible and the travelling time is only two hours. You can go island hopping, snorkeling, or simply lie in the sand and have a tan. There is only one hotel in mainland Concepcion, the proprietors are very friendly and helpful. Don't miss Concepcion's "tuyo". Really really good with fried rice and coffee.


Second stop: Barotac Nuevo
Barotac Nuevo is not a coastal baranggay but it gets it supply of seafood from its neighboring coastal municipalities like Conception and Ajuy. We went to the Aeta community in Sitio Nagpana, Brgy. Lipata. They have falls that you can visit. Just sit in those big rocks, rest your tired feet and enjoy the cool waters. There is no fixed entrance fee but you have to pay a donation fee. You are also encouraged to buy handicrafts and fruits to help the community. The Aeta community used to be discriminated by the local people. Now, they are slowly claiming their heritage. They hope to build a school that will teach the children their culture, arts, and language.


Third stop: Ajuy
I was really surprised to discover this hidden paradise. We went to Nasidman Island, just five minutes away from mainland Ajuy. The sand is white, perfect for beach bums like me. The island is small, the villagers rely on fishing. There is a beach for visitors, the entrance fee is only 30php. The island is small and we were able to see the whole of it. There are still patches of corals, brittle stars and mangrove area. The place is perfect if you want to get away from the stress of city life. There are cottages available for guests or you can bring a tent and camp on the beach. Thanks to Clark for showing me his hometown.

The day was concluded with a breathtaking sunset..

and I realized that anywhere you go is perfect as long as you can share the moment with the people you care about :)

goodbye 2009, hello 2010

the last post here was about me saying goodbye to my call center life and my boarding house in the city. i said goodbye to pursue my graduate degree, a choice that was really hard on my part. i went back to the quiet life in the province. enjoying the smell of freshly burned leaves instead of the smoke coming from jeepneys and buses. i went back to the same life i had when i was still an undergraduate student, however, the ride was different. no friends in the hallway, no gossiping classmates in the library, no orgmates waiting for me after class, and suddenly everyone is calling me "ate" and i start to wonder at what point did i grow up.

my graduate class is super okay. my graduate school life is ten times easier than i was in college, i hope it stays that way until graduation. my terrorist teachers became friends, encouraging me to do my best and reach my potential. i only have one classmate who is LGU connected. he ten years my senior and i am learning things from him. i'm enjoying my class, my teachers are considerate.

one problem occur though, i don't have a job to finance my study and my stay in the university. i had a brief gig which i call the "lab life". i was hired as lab assistant for two weeks, cleaning test tubes and petri dish. my next job, now my current job, is museum technician. the job includes occasional messengerial duties, cleaning of specimen, become an artist and tour guide. again, i was blessed to be in an airconditioned office, kind boss, and happy officemates.

now that 2009 is over, it makes me a little nostalgic. a lot of good things happen last year. and since i was not able to share it here, i will just do a brief recap.

june
- became an official student again, after three years.

july
- graduate students party. it is nice to meet other people who share your aspiration and hardship. some students are foreigners, some are from other parts of the country, and some are people you knew but never had the chance to interact with.
- worked as lab assistant
- dorm party where suddenly i became the oldest, and the cute guys became too young for me.
- my sister's 25th birthday, i don't have a gift for her but i hope she knows how much i care for her.
- university week, meeting my other batchmates and participating in drinking contest.

august
- i turned 24. didn't have a celebration since i was 14 but my classmate surprised my with a chocolate cake.
- got accepted in our university museum.
- a special friend came by the end of the month.

september
- got my first kiss from the "special friend". yes, THE first kiss. and although we cannot be more than friends, i am thankful that he actually came and until now we are still friends with each other. i hope to see him again soon.
- i started working.

october
- a field trip with my teachers and classmate.
- took the board exam and passed! whew!
- ..and sadly, a very good friend died fo cancer. she was 30 years old. we were friends since i was 15. she suffered a lot form her illness, i am so sorry that i cannot be with her even for the last time.

november
- went at my roommates hometown. had fish and oyster for three days.
- attended the oathtaking ceremony. my mother was so proud of me.

december
- celebrated christmas with my family in our hometown. we had a reunion. i got to talk to my 91 year old grandfather and gave an advice not to trust men and make sure that i will me treated with respect.

and by new year, i went at my friends home and celebrated new year with them.

now that 2010 is here, i am again reminded of my new years resolution. i don't have any. for this year, i will take things slow, strive to be better. maybe fall in love. drink. enjoy my friends company. donate blood. have a tattoo. climb. swim. smile. eat. and pray.