lea

Who cares - what the cynics say
I care - if only youre on your way
Lea - dont let the same be true
Lea - do you still want me to want you
--Lea, Toto

lea is my friend from college. she was my classmate since first year but we never really became close until we fell for the same guy. the moment i fell for M, she already moved on and was in a relationship. i asked for her blessing (although it was not necessary) to pursue the guy. falling in love with M was hard, it was good that lea was on my side because she knew him well. lea and i were inseparable. she loves coffee, a passion i never shared but appreciated. she loves attention, she shares this knock-knock jokes. she loves butterfly and she would call herself a goddess. after graduation, she left for Indonesia, i missed her terribly. we would chat the night away. remember all the fun we had.

a year ago, i learned something that really broke my heart, literally. we got together because of M, and we fell apart because of M. i stopped talking to her. it was my ego that was hurting. she stayed away, she respected my need for space. she waited until i realized that i am so stupid to let some man stand between our friendship. we went out yesterday, i realized how much i really missed her the moment i saw her. i missed hanging out with her. i remember the time that she made me a sandwich and had me drink milk. i remember our tequila nights. i remember our fishing days. i dont want to lose her again.

lea, im so sorry for being stupid. thanks for being my friend. i love you :)

G

i broke up with my bestfriend G yesterday. it was sad but i think we need some time to be away with each other. we were college classmates, inseparable, and i can say that nobody really knows me like he does. after college, we went separate ways, i missed him the most so when i came to manila, he was one of the reason. i wanted to be with him. i don't get attached to people easily but when i do it is hard for me to let go. i don't want to let him go, he was my connection to the happiest years of my life, he was the one who has seen me wasted, he was the one who carried me when i was too drunk to come home, and he was the one i'm with when i am 10 pesos away from poverty line.

but i need to let him go because i dont deserve him. i am selfish. i now realized that he was always there for me but i wasn't there when he needs me. and even though i understand his desisions, the selfish part of me wants to argue. people change, needs change. i cant accept that i have to share him with others, that i can't give the understanding he needs, and sometimes he just cant be with me.

i gonna let him go, for now. i will still love him, i will still be his friend, that is why i'm gonna let him go.

the things i love..

1. my portable player
--i bought it as soon as i got my 13th month pay. i'm dying to buy it for months nowand when i finally got the money, i bought one before i could change my mind. it takes me to places i've never been. right now i love the movie 'definitely, maybe' and i'm watching the anime 'yamato nadeshiko'.

2. twilight book series
--i was one of the millions who got DAZZLED. i think that the love between bella and edward exists. once i loved like bella. giving everything, all out. that was a long time ago. i like edward's character. i like him better in the book than in the movie. but someone like him is really hard to find to find (if not impossible) here on earth. but i found a new love in jacob black's character. when i was scattered to pieces like bella, no jacob came to stitch me whole. i was strong enough to bear the pain and heal myself but still..a little help from someone like jacob could have gone a long way. the ending of the third book (eclipse) crushed me. i cried in the CR. it was unbearable. bella loved edward and jacob, but she chose someone she could not live without and that is edward.
bella: love you, jacob.
jacob: love you more.
i feel like crying again.

3. my newly bought engagement ring
--it is only 190php, i bought from my friend jai. i don't know why but i always wanted to have a ring that looks like an engagement ring. i like it on my finger, shiny and new. it gives me hope that maybe someday , someone would give the real thing to me. i always tell everyone that i don't want to get married. it is true, and i still feel scared of the thought of committing yourself to
one person alone. i do want to have a baby, though, i WANT a baby bad. but i don't think i'm gonna get it free, i think i will get it but i have to get married first because it would not be fair to derive him/her a father. a chance for a real family. the ring i bought will be my chastity ring, a reminder that i won't give myself cheaply. that i am a woman of worth.

episode II

the night she realized her feelings towards matt was night she crumbled. all her sensibilities flew out of the window, out of her soul. she went to bed with a headache. trying to deny it. hoping tomorrow everything will change. she entered her room smelling like beer. her roommate was awoken by her movements and asked her if she was okay. she replied yes. never been this great, she added silently.

she cannot sleep. damn those beers. damn those ciggies. damn me. she turned at the side of her bed and talked to her roommate. if she cannot sleep, nobody will. she asked her roommate about love. right now the girl was contently happy dating someone.

"why the sudden questions?"

"nothing."

"are you with matt?"

"yep."

"then you should tell him how you feel. let’s sleep, we have a quiz tomorrow."

"fuck!"

was i that obvious?? , she thought.

episode I

she was just an ordinary girl. she was nineteen. studying in a good university. have friends . she had a crush or two but nothing serious. she views relationship as a deep pit wherein you are not sure if you’ll get out alive and still in one piece. no, she was not cynical about love. she is just simply a realist. but her world began to crumble when she realized one day that for the first time she was hopelessly and totally in love.

matthew. he was a friend. a good friend in fact. they shared a lot together. from cases of beer to her very first cigarette. music to movies. and secretly they share the passion for the movie "my sassy girl" . they click together. somewhat a soulmate if you’ll put it in a cheesy way.

she cried when she realized the extent of her emotions towards him. she didn’t expect it. she doesnt need this kind of distraction. she was always a practical person. able to control her emotions. but that night she suddenly turned into a maudlin after two bottles of red horse.

23

this is a special day, 23 years ago a baby girl was born..ME! no special celebration, no people to hang out with, just like 2 years ago im going to celebrate it alone. i'm away with my family, and since pay day is next week might as well treat myself online. i'm going to check friendster, some friends remember some don't, that's ok. i don't know what i really feel today, truth is i feel empty. i'm 23 years old, i feel old and young at the same time. i'm just happy that God gave me another year to achieve my dreams, meet new friends, travel to different places and most of all, just LIVE.

God, thank you very much for this day. may i prove myself worthy of another year.

conquering mountains

i started a hobby just a month ago, i joined our outdoor club. the first activity is mountain climbing, we are having our minor climbs and the ultimate goal would Apo. the first mountain i climbed, Pico de Loro, Cavite. it was hard for a newbie like me, i consider myself fit but not fit and strong as the others who were already climbing mountains way way back. my account manager asked me if i can do it, i said yes, i'll see you at the top. at that moment, it was all talk, im thinking really hard if i indeed could do it. im too proud to back down now and so my journey began. i was wet with sweat and rain, my feet are cold and my back is aching. i can feel the heat coming out of my body and my troat is as dry as Sahara. i don't wanna back down, i'm a mermaid who is trying to conquer mountains. walk and crawl, never thought the day would come that i will do both but i did.

the summit view was worth it..and more. i was on top of a mountain, what more can be exciting than standing on top of a mountain. im humbled by the thought that im a small creature on top of a gigantic object. there i was, admiring God's perfect work. a book i read said that the men like to be on top of mountains. it gives a sense of power, the knowledge that you above everyone and everything else. i felt humbled and proud.

the people that im with, it was our first time be together. different background, age, sex. and yet we are united with one single goal, to climb a mountain. climb mountains for a lot of reasons, to forget, to remember, to live, to be happy.. but most of all to learn. learn our inner strenght, be solid as rock, be tall as a mountain.